A Scientific Study into Baboons and Teenage Boys

I'm not exactly sure why I have chosen this as today's blog topic, but I'm going to go for it anyway.

Every single day during the school week, I get the bus. The school bus. It caters for my school (an all girls) and a nearby all lads school. The thing that I find funny about all blokes schools is the fact that there is even the audacity to call them schools sometimes. Sure, there's the odd exception, but judging by observation (as that is the most scientific way to do things) most of the guys who go to that school are just baboons in uniforms.

I make my case thus:
Although baboons are mostly vegetarian, they are very opportunistic eaters. They'll eat anything from leaves to insects to fish to small mammals. This is highly comparable with the lads who get my bus. If you handed one of the 'boys' at the back a handful of rat droppings on the premise of 'hey, they could be raisins, and I'll give you a couple of quid' odds are that they'll knock those babies back without a second thought. Teenage boys will eat anything, I have observed this in my own home by watching my older brother graze solidly on the contents of the cupboard in which we keep cake decorations, chopped nuts and spices.

Baboons live in hierarchical groups. It won't come as a surprise when I say that this also applies to the blokes on this school bus.


There's lead idiot- he's the tall one who looks like he spends longer than I do on my hair, yet if at any point anyone questioned his sexuality he'd say something rude and laugh.










Then there's his second in command idiot- this is usually the most idiotic idiot of the idiots. He looks like someone's taken a spade to his face and in the process has caused some serious brain damage.









Then there's the lower idiots, the omega idiots, they basically just laugh along with whatever the others do and make generally sexist comments.





Perhaps the main similarity would be the following information I found on a wildlife website. It states that baboons use vocal expressions extensively. They make grunts, barks and screams- and obviously these are not intelligible to us, which is appropriate as sometimes I wonder if the boys on my bus are even capable of speaking English themselves. I think the only time I've understood them was when they were either a) threatening the younger idiots at the front of the bus with physical violence, or b) discussing sexual positions. I have wondered though, what they mean, and so have imagined a short transcription:

Lead Idiot: Urghha ka! Oocha, oocha, oocha screep! Garumph urk urk ooo!(Look everyone! I can fit my whole foot in my mouth! Are you not impressed seeing as I seem to be talentless in every other field excluding sports, but exceptionally with women?)
Second in Command Idiot: Corugh oocha oocha wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! (That's an amazing feat you're performing there!)
Omega Idiots: Powapowapowa wayyyyyyyy ha ha ha ha urghhh! (We agree, though only because we want to stay friends with you and are scared of being called losers!)


That's just a quick 101 for those who are not yet familiar with teenage boy bus conduct. Moving on, during my study, I came across one difference: baboons reach sexual maturity at 5 to 8 years- it's going to take a hell of a lot longer for the boys on my bus.

Kindly remember that this is all meant jokingly. Of course the lads on my bus aren't really like baboons.

Oh no, they're much worse.

Today's song!