Feet are Not Sexy

A couple of days ago I returned home from school in high spirits.

I know what you're thinking, this story's unbelievable already. Youths being happy?!

Anyway, I met my mother and exchanged the pleasantries, the 'how was your day?'s and the 'mine was pretty boring too's. And then, out of nowhere she says, 'by the way, I've booked you an appointment for the Doctor's.'

Hold on, I think. Going to the doctor, a medical professional, usually constitutes some form of defect in the normal functioning of the body. I thought for a moment before coming to conclusion that I was not aware that I was in possession of a defect such as this. Therefore, my response to the comment was, 'why?'

'Because you have weird feet.'

Now, I'd like to pretend that I've got brilliant feet, that they are the most beautiful things a person's weight has ever been carried on. But I haven't, but then again, nor has anyone else. Frankly, I have never understood the appeal of feet. 'You have sexy feet'? Feet are in no way sexy. They get you from A to B, and that's all they need to do.

Sorry, tangent alert I know.

Today I arrived at the Doctor's in trepidation. I've never liked the Doctor's. It's full of ill people. Ill people who I'm sure are just determined to infect other people. It's like they're hell-bent on coughing on you. After valiantly fighting off the germs of a young woman whose eyes were streaming as much as her nose, I was called in to room 4.

I was used to Dr Pickles (yes, genuine name) but today I was met by Dr Holmes. She was a nice young woman, short, pretty- the kind of woman I imagine bakes as a hobby. I could picture her smiling over her Nigella Lawson book whilst in conversation about her day with her boyfriend (who I could imagine being some kind of media employee, or something arty farty.) We exchanged pleasantries. Which at a doctor's seems somewhat futile. 'How are you?' Take a look at our surroundings and I'll give you three guesses.

She asked me to remove my shoes and socks, and then told me to stand up, and then nodded and declared I have got something wrong with my feet. To which my reply was, 'Neurrrghhh' because that's what teenagers say to express frustration. So yeah, my big toe joint is messed up which means my toes go in a weird direction, and although it won't cause me any pain, there's not much we can do about it. I could have surgery, but apparently it isn't really worth it at my age.

In short, high heels will hurt me.

Which I'm not that bothered about seeing as I don't own any, and am sort of planning on wearing Converse for the rest of my life.

There are some things you just don't want to hear adults say. I have heard two of them this week. The first being, 'it's very unusual to see this problem in teens' the second being about to enter the toilet after my grandfather has just come out, and him saying 'you're brave.' 

Good Music Videos (Minus Shouty Rappers)

Good morning!

Today I thought I would talk about music videos. A good music video can really make a song stand out, and it's always important to make your song stand out. Nowadays music videos all seem to be the same: sexy girls rolling around in ludicrous places (playgrounds, fields etc) not wearing much and men wearing their trousers around their ankles whilst getting angry at the camera.  I like music videos that are clever, and so, continuing with the theme of lists, I thought I would present you with a list of my favourite music videos. 

So, without further ado, I am cutting the invisible red ribbon on 

'Elbows on the Table's Official List of Good Music Videos (minus shouty rappers getting angry at inanimate objects) ' 

In no particular order: 

1) 'Sophie' by Goodshirt 

Goodshirt are a little kiwi band I discovered a couple of years ago, and much to my dismay they do not seem to be on iTunes, so I'm left listening to their stuff on YouTube. I'm not actually sure if they're together anymore, but that wouldn't stop this video being genius. It's a simple concept- girl sits down to listen to music with large headphones so she can't hear a thing (headphone deafness is something I have experienced often) and a load of blokes dressed in black come in and nick all of her stuff. It's funny, and it really *ahem* takes the cake. 

2) 'Here It Goes Again' by OKGO

It is near impossible to talk about brilliant music videos without mentioning this one. It is possibly the most famous music video, I think everyone has seen it, but it is amazing. It is what we call a 'one take wonder' and half the wonder of it is the thought of how much practice must have gone into creating it. No matter how many times you watch it, it still makes you smile. It has been replicated so many times, but nothing beats the original. The only slip up is a tiny one by the guy in the red pants- see if you can spot it. The Treadmill Dance is right up there with the funky chicken and the YMCA. 

3) 'Just' by Radiohead 

You have to watch this one all the way through to get why it's so fantastic. The surprise at the end makes watching the whole thing through worth every second of it. It has a kind of story, and that's what separates it from most modern music videos. You get completely and utterly besotted and engaged with it as it develops, and by the end you're hanging on every last subtitle like your life depends on it. You can also get a kick out of reading the comments on the video on YouTube. 

4) 'Weapon Of Choice' by Fatboy Slim 

The thing that makes this one is Christopher Walken. His hangdog expression at the start, the build-up, the anticipation, and suddenly he just bursts into this mad dance and it's just spectacular. The fact that he seems to be totally alone in this massive hotel just busting moves that wouldn't look right on anyone else is like a recipe for the perfect music video. And then he starts flying? What is this delicious lunacy!? 

5) 'Fluorescent Adolescent' by the Arctic Monkeys 

I'm not sure if this is good so much as slightly terrifying. On paper, it's clowns beating people up. In reality, it's like being high at a murderous clown convention that has just been just let loose into the high street. It's also a really good song, so thumbs up for that, but otherwise, I'm not sure if I want to join in or run for the hills. 

6) 'This Too Shall Pass' by OKGO

Let's face it, OKGO are just very good at making music videos. They're ambitious with it, and everybody loves a Rube Goldberg machine. It pains me to think about how many times this had to be done, and how frustrated the director got (I imagine much tea and coffee was needed in the creation of this video) but they must have been pleased with the final product. OKGO once again wins the prize for the 'lots of sleepless nights but it was worth it in the end' video. 

7) 'He Said He Loved Me' by Reverend and the Makers 

I've kind of cheated a bit on this one, because I've interpreted 'good' as 'mind meltingly strange'. The first person who manages to explain the presence of the fish deserves a medal, because I have absolutely no idea. At least the rest of it makes some sense, it's just put against a random backdrop with a scary woman and a pram. (Oh, and a pair dancing legs- scratch that, several pairs). 

There you have it! Why do all my lists seem to come in sevens? I like the number seven... Seven is a good number. Feel free to share your favourites in the comments, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your day! 

A List of Seven of the Worst Things

As loosely promised, I am presenting a follow up to my last blog: 'A List of Seven of the Best Things.' Kindly note these lists, whilst important (they are lists, after all) are what I would like to call 'Meus own sententia quod fides , operor non infligo lemma' which I believe is Latin for, 'my own thoughts and beliefs, do not knock them.'


In short, take it with a pinch of salt. 


So, for all eyes to see:
Elbows on the Table's Official List of Seven of the Worst Things 


1) People who walk really slowly in front of you 
This is something that drives me insane. I always seem to find them. They're like a special breed of people who have to walk at a snails pace right in front of you. Does it never occur to them that you may have somewhere you need to be? And why do they always seem to have company? Why does their company walk equally as slowly and obstruct the corridor so you can't do an uncomfortably fast walk to overtake them? They need their own lane in the corridor. It can be labelled, 'people so socially savvy that they need to text constantly as they stroll leisurely in front of you'. 


2) Vinegar 

The smell. The smell. It makes me shiver and quake in my proverbial boots. I think my dislike for it comes from my brothers complete fixation with it. He puts it on everything. No food is safe. Lasagne, peas, shepherds pie-  everything. He even has a habit of pouring it on ready salted crisps- when we have salt and vinegar in the house! The logic is undeniable. 












3) Branded and Packaged Youthful Boybands
We're not talking Take That.  We're talking guys barely out of their teens with boyish cheeky grins and ridiculous hairstyles. I cannot even begin to fathom them. Or their fans. Auto-tuned to within an inch of their lives (a large portion of them can't sing) they become less of a band, more of a brand. Every song is teh same. With the target market of teenage girls, the only subject of their music is how beautiful a girl is (although she never seems to realise). What is almost as irritating as the bands themselves, are the people whos ay 'I WISH TO KILL THEM.' I may not be their biggest fans, but I respect other people's tastes in music, and I'm not a murderous rampaging psychopath.

4) Tabloid Magazines
OK! No not, OK! (I apologise profoundly, I'll never do anything of that nature again). A lot of people in them are irritating, sure (they are of the 'famous for being famous' genre) but who cares what they had for lunch? Why do I want to know about someone some paparazzi has spotted with their ribs showing? They're probably so stinking thin because in your last issue you were parading around about how fat they were!

5) Revision
I understand why it's necessary, and how it will help me get good grades and therefore a good job and as a result cash, but it will forever remain totally boring. I have, on more than one occasion, considered the power revision could have if used as a weapon of mass destruction. I am very thankful that Capital Punishment is illegal in this country- death by revision is not a good way to go.





6) Advertisement Jargon 

Buy our product! It's got this made up thing that will do a made up activity to a made up part of your face. A lot of people just think, 'that sounds scientific, I must buy their product' without actually knowing what any of it means.

So yes, you should certainly purchase some Parfait du Geshichte, it contains natural occurring zetahancers that will polydise your cryofilate system. Only £609!


7) The Out Crowd
Just as irritating as the In Crowd. The Out Crowd are those amongst us who sit around discussing how rubbish their lives are, how everyone hates them, how they do everything wrong, how they'll never be loved, how they ruin everything, how the whole world's against them- when this isn't the case. Can't people just cheer up? Can't they, for just five minutes, look at themselves and think, 'I can get attention in other ways.' There are people with real self esteem issues, who have actual problems, who genuinely believe they are worthless- but they don't talk about it twenty four seven- they want their problems to be solved, and I, as well as many others, would be happy to help them. The people who don't want their problems to be solved, or don't actually have problems, are the ones who will happily sit next to you and talk to you solidly for an hour about how the fact that they didn't get full marks on a test means that the teacher must have some kind of deep set hatred for them.

Well, I hope I've enlightened you, but I fear I may have just thoroughly depressed you instead...

My next blog will be less negative, I promise.

A List of Seven of the Best Things

Good afternoon to you, Chums, chaps, fellows, mates, comrades etc etc

Seeing as the world is being ugly and I wish to burn it in the sun (I wonder if any of you will get the reference?), I have decided to cheer myself up by creating a list. Lists are wonderful and underestimated things, my friends- shopping lists, A-Lists, Z-Lists, Hit Lists; every kind is important.

The purpose of today's list is to educate you about things. Namely, the best things. Or the best in my opinion.

So without further ado, I proudly present:
'Elbows on the Table's Official List of the Best Things.'  In no particular order:

1) British Comedy. I am very proud of Britain for procuring some of the best sitcoms and funny people the world has ever seen. Our sense of humour (for the most part) is a very good one indeed.

We've brought you
the Pythons,
 Blackadder (see right for the brilliant Lord Flashheart),
A Bit of Fry and Laurie,
Cabin Pressure and
 the IT Crowd... to name but a few.



2) Going Postal. Of course, I could only be talking about the brilliant book written by one Terry Pratchett. Following with the theme of the best things, I should obviously mention the best Discworld book (I've read). If you haven't read it, go and do so now, on pain of... being poked with a stick. The TV version was brilliant as well.

3) The Arctic Monkeys. A truly brilliant band with possibly some of the best lyrics I've ever heard. They also get the prize for best 'Grease Lightning Quiff on a Frontman.'

This track is 'When the Sun Goes Down' from the album 'Whatever People Say I am, That's What I'm Not'. In the video the girl is played by Lauren Socha (from the fabulous E4 show MISFITS) and this song was used for George's first werewolf transformation on the BBC's Being Human.

4) Russell Tovey.

This one's pretty self explanatory:
a) He's a great actor
b) He has great ears






5) Doctor Who. I think it's near impossible to be from the UK without loving (or at least having seen and pretending not to have enjoyed when you really did) Doctor Who. It's great because it's personal to everyone. Everyone has a favourite companion (mine being Rory or Donna), everyone has a favourite monster/alien (mine being Rossiter and Addams) and everyone has their Doctor (I think mine's Matt Smith, although I do love a bit of Tennant)

6) John Green. A brilliant author (and Nerdfighter and bloke) who has released a truly smashing book 'The Fault in Our Stars.' His books are exceptionally witty and heartfelt and clever, and in the words of Lord Flashheart, they are 'an idea that's hotter than my pants'.

More by John Green:
Paper Towns
An Abundance of Catherines
Looking for Alaska
Will Grayson, Will Grayson

7) Tea (Mainly PG Tips). Without a good cup of tea, I would be completely rubbish at everything. I would never get anything done, never relax and never east digestive biscuits. I drink Tea, therefore I am.










I hope you have enjoyed this list of the best things. I may do a list of the worst things next...

Shouting at 'almost' Ed Sheeran and Cancer

Since we last conversed I have been rather busy.

Today I had my audition for National Youth Theatre. I have been exceptionally nervous about it and am quite glad that it's all over. I got to mess around and be silly and it was very good fun. I also got to push onto he hands of some red-haired guy who looked rather a lot like Ed Sheeran whilst yelling my lungs out about hamsters.

So yeah, good day.

One thing I wanted to talk about involving my audition was the trip there. On the way into the tunnel there's this big billboard. It reads as follows:

'SPITTING BLOOD WHEN BRUSHING YOUR TEETH? IT COULD BE GUM DISEASE!' 


Well, yeah, it could be gum disease... But it's probably just the fact that you're brushing your teeth to hard, isn't it? I mean, the kind of person who thinks they have gum disease because a billboard told them so, is probably the kind of person who brushes their teeth into oblivion to 'get rid of all the hideous and evil germs.'

Nowadays everything will give you some kind of terminal disease, just ask the Daily Mail! Here is a genuine list of things that the Daily Mail says give you cancer:
Age
Being Black
Being a Man
Being a Woman
Crayons
Hugging
The Internet
Sun Cream
Water

I'm almost expecting to see a billboard that says:

'DID YOU JUST BREATHE? IT'S FATAL.' 


In other news, as promised, here are some wonderful photographs of the edible Discworld that my friend made me for my birthday! Thank you so much!

The Edible Discworld and Cutler

SPOILER ALERT!

Last Sunday one of the great BBC cult dramas came back to our screens: Being Human. 

I've been a fan of the show (in relative terms- I never saw series 2) so I was excited to an extent of pooping a small pony. The reason I have been such an avid BH follower (in relative terms) can be summed up in one word: George. George was always just the best character I've ever had the pleasure of viewing. His ears, his outlook on life, his sense of humour- everything about him is just brilliant. 

So then they just had kill him off, didn't they? I mean, of course I understand Russell Tovey's desire to move on- but it didn't stop me from crying pitifully into a pillow. I know, I'm a bit of a moron. 

However, all is not lost! For the BBC have given me a new brilliant character! Cutler- as played by Andrew Gower (an actor who I think is quite brilliant). And there is a science behind liking him as a character, you see, I figured that liking the nice people is rather futile when all they do is die on you- and in the words of Blackadder, "Bad guys have all the fun." Just look out how wonderfully twisted he is! >

So, in short, I am very muchly looking forward to seeing Cutler on telly again. 

In other news for my birthday a good friend of mine crafted me the Discworld out of gingerbread, chocolate and marzipan. And yes, it is as awesome as it sounds. I'll be getting some photos up of that fairly soon I hope. 

I've also got my National Youth Theatre audition on Tuesday which I am stinking nervous about, so wish me luck. 

Sorry this entry hasn't been very interesting. Note to self: don't just talk about your own life. 

Into the Jungle of Hollister

Today, my friend and I ventured into a city. The specific details of the city in question are none of your beeswax. It is the friend I wish for you to focus on.

Said friend is part of a complex party of friends, some of which are aware of each other's existence and have met, some which are friends, and some of which are completely in the dark. This is not a school friend, but a relatively good friend whom I have had the joy of knowing for several years.

I do sometimes worry, though, that this person is heading slowly but surely towards the sceney hipster route. It started off with the large glasses, the big hair, the oversized ninja hoodie, the mention of coontails in her hair. What do you do when you think your friend is a completely different person to who you first met (completely different, albeit likeable and lovely in a sceney/hipster way)?

You allow them to drag you into Hollister as a test of your closeness.

Pardon- hell.

I was lucky in that outside Hollister there wasn't a shirtless model (probably because it was raining) but if there had been, I would have stabbed him in the stomach with my umbrella, nicked his ridiculously large wages and donate them to charity. Until today I had never ventured into Hollister- fear made me hold back- but I took a step into the unknown. And it was like an alien planet.

Those of you fortunate enough to have never been into Hollister may have heard of the darkness. Hollister is supposed to give of a beachy kind of vibe, but the last time I went to a beach, I don't remember it being like going for a run at midnight wearing sunglasses. I have two theories about the lighting in Hollister: A) They don't want you to see the price tags on the clothes, so you won't know you're buying a £98 hoodie until you get to the till *ahem* beach shack. B) They want to laugh at you when you fall into one of the numerous amounts of potted plants they have in there. I mean, who needs that many potted plants? What is the point!? It's like a bloody jungle!

Another thing about Hollister is that all of the models look confused. They have these honking big pictures of shirtless guys with the exact same looks on their faces. You can practically read their minds: why aren't I wearing a t-shirt underneath this gilet? How impractical is this clothing?!


I've also braved the Hollister website. It is more sickening than the actual store. You don't shop 'men' and 'women'- you shop 'dudes' and 'bettys.' What in the name of all that's good and proper is a 'betty'? My entire sex has been renounced to 'betty.' And a funny thing is that the website is almost as dark as the shop. Plus, they don't actually tell you the name of what you're buying. It seems like the simplest, most helpful thing you could do, and they don't do it. For example, you go into the 'Tops' section for 'bettys' and you are met with all the products, but what should be labelled as 'white knitted cardigan' is in fact labelled as 'Belmont shore.' All of the clothes are named after beaches and places the English will never have heard of in their lives!

And with that, it's this betty out.